I had a fantastic weekend. I spent it with one of my best friends, Heidi. We did what Heidi and Rachel do. We had too much fun. But, at the same time, that’s what Heidi and I do best. It always has been what we do best.
Over the weekend, though, there were moments when I just didn’t feel right. I could feel my frustrations and tears welling up inside of me, but that’s where I kept them. I didn’t want it to ruin my weekend with Heidi. But, since she is a good friend, Heidi could tell something was up. She didn’t poke or prod at what it was, but she knew.
Well, last night, it all came out. I am at a point where I need to finish this thesis…but at the same time, I need to get a job and get back to real life. Sure, I just spent a year galavanting around Europe and creating amazing friendships and memories, but I am ready to get back to business. I know i can finish this thesis while working, I have done it once before and I can do it again.
Anyways, last night it all came to the forefront. I couldn’t sleep, even though I was exhausted and my medication – which usually makes me tired – had no such effect. I laid in bed and watched a Law and Order marathon, and then some random show. You know, those TV show’s about life in jail or whatever that are only on at 3 in the morning. Basically the only thing on at 3 in the morning that’s not an informercial? Yup, well, I watched all that…until 4 in the morning.
In between shows, I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing. Thinking about school, work, life, relationships, whatever. Then it all came…the tears, the frustrations and eventually, at 4 – when the rest of my house is getting up and ready for work – the sleep. Secretly, I was hoping that the sleep would make my feelings of frustration and defeat dissipate. I was wrong.
I woke up this morning with the same feelings of just being over all of this. Over all of it. Over living at home, over this thesis (speaking of which – have you done the survey?), over the job search, over the confusion of things, over it all. I know I can’t give up, I know I can’t give in, but right now, all I want to do is cry and throw myself a pity party. I am allowed to do that every once in a while, right?
I just wish I had some inclination about where I will live in 3 months, and what life has in store. Uncertainty sparks anxiety for me. As you can imagine, therefore, life sparks anxiety in me now a days. All I want to do is go back to Europe and travel…with Heidi…to a big city…with wine…and good food…and sunshine…and people that make me smile.
This thesis business is for the birds. For that matter, this real life business is for the birds right now.